|Bad quarterback but excellent condiment artist. Notice the lack of catsup, terrorists.|
So let’s pose that same question: You are allowed only five condiments to use for the rest of your life. No more and no less. If you have any debate about whether or not something counts as a condiment, than it does count. What are you choosing?
OK, so this is a tough call. You have to consider all of your food options. I don’t eat breakfast so not needing any jellies or syrups is a huge plus. I really want to add that cup of butter that Papa John’s gives out because it is bananas but those things shave a decade off your life with every dunk. What about beef? Chicken? RIBS? Pork? Sandwiches? Potatoes? Can I live the rest of my life without chocolate milk? Oh God, why would someone want me to live without chocolate milk! Here is what I came up with:
1. Mustard – Regular is fine and it goes with everything
2. Horsey Sauce – Perfect for sandwiches and cleaning out your sinuses
3. Frank’s Red Hot – I chose this over salsa and the highly underrated taco sauce. I may regret that down the road.
4. Marinara sauce – Now you just added pizza, pasta, and meatball sandwiches to the rest of your life. You’re welcome. Also: chicken parmesan is terrific.
5. Ranch dressing – Just in case you ever feel the need to eat a salad, your bases are covered now. Plus, ranch makes a decent gravy for mashed taters if you’re in a pinch. Ranch makes everything better.
You’ll notice that I didn’t include ketchup because it was never considered. Why? Well, I’m not an 8 year old and ketchup literally goes with nothing other than French fries. You don’t put it on hot dogs EVER. It isn’t needed for burgers. If you dip nuggets into catsup, you should be jailed. Yet ketchup always comes in a 400 ounce bottle. Why is that? Only little kids like ketchup. It’s time to be a man and start putting big boy condiments on your food.
Also, there appears to be some sort of backlash at mayo (or BIG MAYO as Magary likes to put it). I don’t think that mayo is nasty. That doesn’t mean that I’m slathering all of my deli sandwiches with Miracle Whip (or the vastly superior Hellmann’s) but I don’t get all the hate. I personally love to have semen-looking things in my mouth.
Do they still make Grey Poupon? That stuff wasn’t nearly as good as the commercials made it seem. I didn’t even feel like a big shot when I ate it. I also left off BBQ sauce. I’m sure that someone will hate on me for that. I don’t care. So let’s open up the phone lines for some talk on toppings today and I’ll be off taking shots of DayQuil in the corner. My apologies if you don’t care for this post. It will be the last time that I listen to Prime.